MythBreakers
by charm.whateley
Summary: What would MythBusters be like in a universe where super heroes, magic, and lovecraftian monsters all exist?


{disclaimer}  
To the best of my knowledge, Mythbusters is the property of the Discovery Channel, and the likenesses of its hosts presumably belong to the hosts. If this is wrong, please let me know and I'll do my best to correct the above statement.  
Any Whateley characters belong to their respective creators.  
This is a Whateley fan fic, and a parody. It is my idea of what a Mythbusters like show might be if was made in a Whateley like universe. A place where magic, aliens, superheroes, and Lovecraftian monsters all exist. So for any Whateley fans who haven't realised it, nothing in this story is Canon. To the Mythbusters fans, this is a work of FICTION, and is not meant to be anything like an accurate representation of Mythbusters and its hosts. So any resemblance between the two groups is purely due to your sick imaginations. Shame on you.  
{/disclaimer}

Whateley: Late Sept/ Early Oct, 2006

Erik Mahren and and Cat McQuiston were seated in their living room, watching a wide screen TV. On the TV, a title sequence runs. A set of brief clips from previous shows. Scenes of weird devises, blueprints, the hosts doing things, and lots of explosions.

The sequence ends, and we cut to the MythBreakers office, where our hosts James, Alan, Greg, Tony and Kerry are seated around the far side of a circular table. The table is covered in papers, coffee cups, two Barrett rifles and a number of rounds of .50 ammo.

Alan starts speaking, "Hi and welcome to MythBreakers. The show where we use the investigation of Myths via the scientific method as an excuse to..."

Greg speaks, "Build cool robots, and..."

Alan and Tony speak simultaneously, "Injure ourselves doing really stupid things. But mostly..."

Kerry finishes "Get paid to blow things up. Every week. On TV."

James turns to Alan and gestures at the table. "From the looks of things, today's episode has something to do with firearms."

"Right you are James, tonight we're going to answer the question 'Would an antimatter tipped bullet be useful?'" responds Alan.

James scratches his head. "Who the cuckoo-cuckoo sound would ask such a stupid question?"

"Who cares, it's a great excuse to blow stuff up and play with firearms!" is Alan's grinning reply.

James nods, "Right. So, what's your plan for doing this?"

Alan is beaming, "This time, it's really simple. We take some rifles, some bullets and antimatter. We put the antimatter in the bullets, set up some targets, fire the guns and see what happens."

James looks at the table. "Well, we've got the rifles and bullets right here. We can make up some targets in the shop, which means we just need to get the antimatter. Not something you can just pick up from your corner store. Which means..."

Kerry interrupts, shouting "Shopping trip! Dibs shotgun!"

Cut scene

We see all five of our hosts exiting a minivan. The van is parked outside a large, nondescript, warehouse like building. There are signs on the building, but they've been blurred into illegibility in post production.

Alan turns to face the camera. "Well, here we are at toilet flushing sound, located at telephone ring just round the corner from the MythBreakers workshop. This is my second most favourite shop in the world. They stock anything that a super hero, villain, mad scientist, world domination seeking tyrant or mythbreaker might possibly want." Alan makes a 'follow me' gesture. "Come on in."

Our hosts walk into the warehouse and the camera follows. As it follows, we overhear Greg saying "Alan, mythbreakers ARE mad scientists."

As the camera enters the shop, we can see that it's MUCH bigger on the inside than the outside. There are aisles and aisles of everything, the aisles so long that their ends can't be seen, disappearing into perspective.

Time shifts to fast forward and we see Greg and Tony head off on their own. The camera follows Alan, James and Kerry as they walk around and then stop. Normal time resumes. Alan gestures to a stack of 10 boxes that look vaguely like folded up laptops. "They've got EVERYTHING here." He grabs the top item off the stack and shows it to the camera. "Look at this. This is a Morphic Adaptation Unit. If you want to go to a costume party, this will make you the most fantastic costume you can possibly imagine." he exclaims excitedly.

James has a concerned expression. "Alan, you'd better put that back before you have an accident that will cost the show its PG rating." Alan ignores James, So James gabs hold of the MAU, yanks it out of Alan's grasp and puts it back on stack. Alan starts to pout.

Seeing this, James says "Come on Alan, let's take a look at the weapons. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Alan nods, they turn around walk away from the camera. Once they've turned, Kerry grabs the MAU from the top of the pile and puts it in the bag she's holding. She whispers to the camera, "Private use. I've got a Halloween party coming up." She hurries after the departing Alan and James.

Time moves into fast forward again and the camera follows them as they wind their way through the store. Shortly, they're at an aisle holding countless swords of all styles. A grinning Alan grabs what looks like a black flashlight and remarks. "Wow, a plasma blade. To the uneducated eye, it looks just like a light saber." Simultaneously Kerry and James cry "Oh klaxon sound!" and dive for the ground. Alan lights it up and starts swinging the meter long glowing blade around.

scene cuts

James is standing by himself in an aisle. He is wearing a tuxedo and facing the camera. There's a cross aisle about 5 meters behind James. The aisle is full of different clothes. James is talking to the camera. "As you can see, there's a full range of outfits. Spy outfits," James gestures at himself, "Berets", he picks up a beret from the nearby shelf and puts it on his head. He then steps to the other side of the aisle, and pulls a Star Trek security uniform on a hanger. "Red shirts," then gestures to the cross aisle "and femme fatale outfits."

Kerry steps into view, a piece of male fan service. She's wearing a platinum blond wig with hair that reaches to her waist. She's wearing a black, latex, painted on catsuit that flows over the curves of her body. The front zipper has only been done up as far as her navel, leaving the top of her torso exposed in a way that's only a whisker's breath away from MythBreakers being fined by the FCC for a 'wardrobe malfunction.' The outfit is doing impossible things to her figure, as her waist is incredibly tiny and her breasts are the size and shape of cantaloupes. Kerry slinks forward and drapes herself on James' left arm.

James stares at Kerry, then at the end of the cross aisle. "Kerry," he asks "where's Alan? Wasn't he supposed to be with you?"

Alan steps around the corner, wearing exactly the same wig and outfit that Kerry is. James steps backwards and shudders. Then he turns to the camera and says, "Get me a fork, I need to poke my eyes out. No, cancel that, get a spoon, a very blunt spoon." James steps out of camera shot and Alan and Kerry burst out laughing.

scene cuts

We're now in a room with walls covered with a display of all sorts of futuristic looking guns. Alan and Kerry are back to their original clothing. Alan reaches over and pulls down what might be a distant descendant of a Barrett sniper rifle. It's obviously very light, as Alan has no problem holding it in one hand. "Nice", he gloats "a Barret M-ST-3K". James, on the other hand, is inspecting a tiny pistol that looks a LOT like the 'Noisy Cricket' from the Men In Black movie.

Observing this behaviour, Kerry archly remarks "Guys, some time soon we REALLY need to test the Myth that the size of gun a man prefers is inversely proportional to the size of his 'equipment'."

James shows a small smile. Alan has a pained expression.

scene cuts

Camera now shows shelves holding racks of metal cylinders. Many of the shelves have radiation and biohazard trefoils. James speaks, "As well as finished items, they also stock just about any raw material anyone could possibly want.  
Just look at this, all fifty known transuranics. Sixty five thousand types of Unobtainium. And tons of Phlebotinum."

He raises his hand to show what resembles a stainless steel thermos flask, a pleased expression on his face. "This is what we came for. One microgram, that's a millionth of a gram, of antimatter. So, let's pay for this and get back to the workshop. Oh, does anyone know where Tony and Greg have gotten to?"

Camera cuts again, and we see a row of powered armor and exoskeletons, all different styles. Greg is facing the armor, mouth open, with drool running down one corner. Tony is behind Greg, with his hand on Greg's collar, pulling Greg backwards. Tony is saying "Come on Greg, time to go."

"Warning: Science" screen comes up, and we see numbers drawing on a board, with a voice over.

Each kilogram of antimatter, when it reacts with normal matter gives 1.8 x 10 ^ 17 Joules of energy.  
A kilogram of TNT has 4.1 x 10 ^ 6 Joules of energy. So, a kilogram of antimatter gives as much energy as 4.4 x 10 ^ 10 kilograms of TNT. That's 44 Megatons of TNT. So, if we want to have an explosion equivalent to 1 kg of TNT, we need 2.3 x 10 ^ -11 kilograms of antimatter, or 23 billionths of a gram. Therefore, the one microgram of antimatter Alan and James have equals 44 kilograms of TNT.

Antimatter converts to energy when it comes in contact with normal matter. So, to store antimatter, it needs to be suspended in a vacuum using a magnetic, electric or force field to prevent contact with the walls of the container.

Screen goes back to Alan and James, talking around the table we saw at the start of the show. Alan explains "The plan is we build a number of containment vessels, add different sized amounts of antimatter to them, to simulate 1 and 20kg of TNT. Then insert the containers into a number of bullets. When the bullet hits the target, the bullet deforms and the container inside ruptures. The antimatter escapes the ruptured container and explodes."

Alan continues "The problem is, when a rifle fires, it puts a massive force on the bullet, so the container has to be strong enough to take the gun firing, but weak enough to break when the bullet hits the target. If the container ruptures on firing, the bullet will explode inside the rifle, destroying the rifle and the person firing it. James and I have different ideas about how this can be done, so we're each going to build different containment units and test fire them at the Alameda range."

James speaks up. "Of course, what we really should do is test fire a rifle to measure the forces on a bullet during firing and impact. Then build a test rig that can duplicate the forces in a controlled fashion, so we can find the best design. But that wouldn't be nearly as much fun as blowing stuff up."

We now have a montage of James and Alan working, while Kerry, Tony, and Greg create a number of ballistics jell targets, plus a rig to remote fire the rifles, because of the danger of the bullets blowing up in the gun.

Scene shift to Alameda bomb range.

We see the crew set up for the first test fire, using one of Alan's rounds with 1 kg TNT equivalent.  
A dummy is placed holding the rifle in the firing position, to asses the damage that would occur to a human if rifle explodes. The crew retreat to the bunker and remote fire the rifle. The rifle blows up. Alan gleefully examines the splattered remains of the dummy representing the person firing the rifle. If it had been a person, there's no doubt he would be dead.

The crew set up for a second test fire using James' ammo. The result is repeat of first experiment, the rifle and dummy firing it are both destroyed.

James turns to the camera and starts to explain. "The problem is that when the Barrett fires, it puts so much force on the bullet, and the container within, that the container ruptures, setting off the antimatter while it's still inside the rifle. So, what we need is a gun that puts less strain on the bullet during firing."

Alan produces the futuristic rifle he was handling earlier in the show. "James, meet the Barrett M-ST-3K. This is what's known as a gravity gun. It uses a pulsed anti-gravity field to accelerate the bullet. But because gravity is used, the force on the bullet is uniform. So the containment should not rupture during firing. As additional benefits, the rifle is recoilless and can be set to fire at much higher velocities than the conventional Barret."

The crew set up the third test fire using the M-ST-3K and James' ammo. A steel plate is set up as the target. The gun is fired and the plate is a shredded mess. The crew celebrate.

However, their job isn't done yet. They need to test the bullets against "real" targets.

The fourth test fire is set up using a ballistics gel dummy as the target. Several meters behind the dummy, another steel plate is set up as a bullet trap. The rifle is fired, but the results are disappointing. The gel dummy remains but the bullet trap is shredded. Investigation shows the bullet travelled through the dummy, but the gel didn't provide enough resistance to rupture the antimatter's container. Only the trap provided enough resistance to detonate the bullet.

Fifth test fire is similar to the fourth, except the gel dummy is now wearing a bullet proof vest. The result of the test fire is that the dummy disintegrates into a fine mist. More celebrations by the crew.

Alan talks to the camera again. "For the final shot, we wanted to really put this to the test, so we tried to get a real tank for a target. Well, the Army wouldn't let us have one of their M1s. But we didn't let that stop our researchers. And look what they managed to find us!"

We see a tank transporter drive up. On the trailer is an ancient and somewhat worn World War Two vintage Sherman tank.

Our hosts then play rock scissors paper to decide who gets to drive it. Tony wins and drives it into the target position.

The rifle is set up, loaded with a 20 kg round and fired at the tank. The resulting explosion is shown repeatedly in slow motion. A hole nearly a meter in diameter is punched in tank's front, followed by the turret flying off.

The crew go wild.

cut scene

Our hosts are back at the workshop, seated around the same table we saw at the start of the show. Pride of place on the table is the M-ST-3K.

James talks to the rest of the hosts, "So, antimatter bullets. Useful or not?"

Alan responds, "Well, they do make an impressive tank killer. However, I have a confession to make. This rifle is what's known as a devise. That means, it violates the laws of physics, and it's not reliable. Which means that while it's possible to use antimatter bullets, it's really not practical. So, the answer is; No, antimatter bullets aren't useful."

Greg nods, "Also, antimatter is really expensive. The antimatter used to destroy the tank cost more than ten times as much as an antitank rocket that would have done as much damage. So, I agree with Alan. Antimatter bullets, not useful."

Kerry speaks, "I agree, not useful".

Followed by Tony, "Not useful."

James looks at the camera. "There you have it, Not useful. Meet us next week when we examine the Myth of Giant Battle Robots."

credits start to roll

Eric turns away from the TV and faces Caitlin. He speaks through gritted teeth, "I'm going to go to California and kill them. Slowly."

"Oh come on," replies Caitlin, "that wasn't bad, I enjoyed it."

Eric grinds out, "The problem is, for the next week, half the devisors and gadgeteers at the school are going to try to prove them wrong. By stuffing every type of explosive known to man, and probably several dozen that aren't, into ammunition and test firing it on the range. It will be a minor miracle if no one is injured. And I hate to think of how much damage will be done to the range itself."

Caitlin smiled "Oh, that's hardly going to be your BIGGEST problem."

"Oh?"

Caitlin had a truly scary Cheshire grin, "Worry about the female gadgeteers. Tomorrow half of THEM will be trying to find out if the size of a man's gun is inversely proportional to the size of his 'equipment'."

{fin}


End file.
